I have really spotty memory. I guess whenever I try to recall something about someone or something it's always bad. But then again I don't think I have any particularly happy ones either.

One of my earliest memories was of my mom laughing when telling a story about beating the shit out of me outside a mall. When people say "beating the shit out of", what do you picture? With my mom it could have been anything. I'm not good at having that kind of talk with people. I don't remember the actual beating tho which is weird since I remember most moments like that going back to when I was 6.

The actual earliest memory I think I have is of my brother's birth. The hospital we were in had this lounge thing in the room my mom was in, it was divided by a wall with a window and you there was a couch, a bed and a TV. I don’t remember much leading up to it. I remember when they had us close the window looking out into my mom’s bed.

My brother. Yeah, well I think I like my brother. It’s kind of hard for me to say I like or love anyone. There’s a commitment in saying stuff like that, and I don’t know there won’t be a moment later in life when I get fed up with my brother. It's not his fault, really. Neither of us had good examples growing up. At least I only had my mom beat the shit out of me, he had both my mom and his dad (my stepdad).

We're both a bit ill, I guess. When he was smaller he had this like aggression thing going on, very debilitating. He would flip out and start banging on doors, pushing you, just yelling. He still does that sometimes but it was on another level back then. It got so bad my parents, being retarded pieces of shit, got fed up and even tried taking him to a priest so he could like cure or exorcise him or whatever.

We'd driven about 6 hours to get there. It was one of those nights where you just feel antsy even as you are about to fall asleep. I could not even understand why they would EVER try to do something like that. There was this desperation that got to both of them at the time, it likely fueled the divorce later on. It didn't help, of course, he just got worse and worse until we managed to find someone willing to refer him to an ACTUAL psychiatrist. He's much better now, been a few years like that.

I used to beat the shit out of my brother as well. When I was in therapy last year I brought this up, about my mom, my brother, the conflicting emotions I feel about having to be so close to someone who both stripped me naked and beat me with a belt and also paid for my education. I wonder if my brother feels the same way about me. In many ways I think the biggest regret I have is not being able to learn what a proper family is. It makes me want to cry.

I think the thing for me is that I harbor a lot of resentment. I may be a lot of things these days but I just can't picture myself ever putting my hands on a kid. There is just no reason to do so. When I hit these logical walls I just want to tear my fucking hair out and screm because WHY? What was the reason? If you can't control yourself you should not be having kids or trying to be an example for anybody is what I think.

My memories of hanging out with my family are all of them being dismissive, abusive, or just straight up daft. You can't ever learn how to love someone like that. Not your family or anybody else.

And so well I'm in this weird state where I know or SORTA understand relationships but I always over or undershoot them. I don't think it is quite possible for me to understand intimacy on a healthy level. I've thought about whether I was born like this or forged by countless hose beatings. Oh yea my parent(s) used to keep a rubber hose beneath their bed specifically to beat us with it. I hadn’t thought about it until I wrote that. I wonder if they switched to rubber hoses because they supposedly leave no marks.

Yea but that's a good intro to me I think.