I've always wanted to be like the people I look up to. Principled. Steady. At peace with himself.

You hear about the virtues and the struggles and the temptations and the peace at the end of it, but I'm too angry and there are things I cannot bring myself to admit, not even privately, and much less to myself.

The worse part of me is the jealous one.

I cannot stand seeing people happy. I'm not sure when I started realizing this, but it never made me happy to see people close to me succeed. It cuts deep into me. There's this lump in my throat I get, like something in me tightens instead of softening. I guess this is most evident in my xenophobia.

Now, I'm not like a raging xenophobic, but I have a very negative predisposition towards any foreigners coming here. I will try to explain why I think this is, and to a lesser degree why I think this isn't healthy.

For starters, this place is a shithole. I am not american, but right next to it if you catch my drift. I do not see any beauty here, or any semblance of "culture" as people from sheltered countries call it. It is an underdeveloped, corrupt, dirty, crime ridden shithole inhabited by sub 90 IQ subhumans who kill each other for 500 USD a month.

So when I hear someone from the US, or Canada or literally anywhere from the first world start ranting about how life here is so much more relaxed, and oh my god it's so pretty and the culture and oh wow we loved it when we went I want to take them all and throw them in a blender.

They get to enjoy it selectively.

The western left is extremely patronizing towards less developed nations, it's always been like this. Any criticism of shitholes is always met with arguments regarding bullshit like american coupes and even european colonial powers, as if that matters at this point. People never hold brown people accountable, and yet they want to claim they are fit enough to run a sovereign nation. It's one or the other.

And the reality, and where my anger begins, is that nobody really does it for the reasons the claim. At least in my mind there is nothing to love or appreciate about a culture that generates death toll larger than some wars and seemingly only exists to breed and generate a working class population to slave away in some midwestern field.

But I guess the part that burns is that they’re having fun.

And that should simply not be possible. Because while the government literally wants all of our citizens dead they will fight tooth and nail and bring in the fucking army to hunt down anybody who dares touch the precious american immigrants and tourists. God forbid they do something to a white one.

And the people here at all of this up. All latin american countries are extremely insecure, they will bow and kiss the feet of anyone from a country they deem first world who speaks highly of their shithole, because hey, your life sucks, you are poor as shit, you can't even go out at night but this white american who lives in a condo in Roma said we're the best country so one point for us.

Go fuck yourself. And fuck anybody who claims to know what it is to live in a true shithole if they are shielded from it by the invisible barrier of geopolitics and social hierarchies.

But that's only part of the reason it pisses me off. The other one is because they are having fun, like look at those fucking retards, they are having the time of their lives. There's this war and massacres and violence all around an they get to be shielded from it. That's complete bullshit. It makes me want to round them all up and shoot them and thei families.

Like I don't know how to express how angry this makes me. I want to yell at both the morons who move here and the moronic brownoids who have such an inferiority complex they see no issues with becoming essentially serfs in their own nation. Go fuck yourself.

There are things I want to do, places I want to go to that I simply can't go because I don't have the privilege of getting my dicked sucked just because my passport has the correct country on it.

And I know objectively speaking it's not that big of an issue. And I know it makes no difference. And I know it's stupid and it STILL pisses me off and awakens extreme feelings of rage and violence in me.

Because I envy and hate people who can be ignorant about the finer details of life.

I would LOVE to not be a miserable prick and be able to appreciate and see whatever beauty foreigners claim to see in this shithole, but I can't. It makes me want to puke. The mere thought of being kind or forgiving or giving into the culture makes me physically ill, I can't do it. I don't know why I'm like this and I wish and wish and wish and wish I wasn't but I am.

I can't accpet anything if it isn't perfect, and much less if it's close enough to me to where I can see my reflection on them. Because I was born of them. I don't want to face things and recognizse myself in the people I despise. I want to run away from them and be alone forever, and not have to carry this hole in my chest that drags me back into the cave every time I feel the collective reaching out to me.

I despise everything I have and covet only what I don't. I hit one of those logical and emotional walls where the violence is a bigger motivator than the conflicting kindness and anger inside me and I get into a suicidal loop where I think about nothing except hanging myself. The thoughts cannot even be processed when I feel like that. They trigger such a visceral response in me and bounce between me and the idea until I break down and cry about my situation, and think if I will ever get a chance to feel happiness and true human connection.

I wnat these thoughts out of my head, I don't want to look at someone and immediately look for things about them to despise, I want to feel happy for others and say with no hatred in my heart that I love my fellow man. I want it so so bad man but it's just not something I have in me. I want to see the trees for the forest and take it all in without nickpicking and mapping in my mind ways in which someone is doing something wrong and for the wrong reasons.

This isn't really about americans or europeans or latin americans. I just think it's where it's most obvious. Make out of that what you will.