It's kinda ironic I don't have much to say when I'm not in the shitter, mentally speaking. I'm just not bothered by much. Feels like I exist in a very muted, castrated emotional baseline and I just swing back and forth between being angry and sad about me and my situation, and feeling full and wholesome. Not like BPD mood swings or anything, just a slow grinding of the gears in one direction or the other.

But both of those feelings are by their very nature transient, and so they are very difficult to seize and even when you do it doesn't last you very long. When I look back on the things I've done I find they are half assed. I've always admired the kind of person who can dedicate their entire being to a single goal, good or bad. I would love to feel that way about something, anything, but it never lasts very long.

I once had a dream about this. I was trapped in an infinite lobby room inside of a big building. And no matter how much I walked I just ran into the same people in the same lobby over and over and over again, and I guess that described how I feel about my projects, relationships and life in general, I never really made it past the lobby.

Well, ain't it funny how it works
Someone's always got it worse

Yea well that's not very comforting. It's a very fucked up thought in fact, there being so much suffering in this world. The suffering in the world doesn't shrink mine.

And yet, suffering doesn't feel that personal to me. I'm shielded, partly by design, to actual hardships. It feels weird to admit that, and it makes me feel like less of a man for not having proven myself against anything that matters.

Well, certain Prussian philosophers would call this decadence, a man too comfortable to become anything.